In the past I have used this space to share my personal pregnancy and birth experiences with the mission to educate, support and spread awareness. What follows is not about pregnancy or birth.

Exhale... and honestly, a story I never wanted to write.

The story of Silas. Our sweet, sweet Silas.

It's been a little over a year since we received his diagnosis. As I write these words, the breath leaves my body, and I’m transported to the day I received that call from the geneticist at Lurie’s to schedule an appointment to discuss the findings of the WES test.

It is really hard to write that title. Final. 

It has taken nearly 10 months (this was originally posted in January 2022) for me to be able to write those words and the story of Silas’ birth.

After the life-changing experience of Schafer’s (my fifth child) birth, everyone, including my OB, suggested that I choose to stop having children. I simply knew in my heart that our family was not complete.

So, here’s the scenery. I was 41 years old and had 5 unique birth experiences, with the most recent one nearly taking my life. I don’t like being pregnant. Since we have a big family, people are often shocked to hear this.

Birth is so many things.

Magical. Emotional. Incredible. Breathtaking. Joyful. Heartbreaking. Humbling. Overwhelming. Powerful. And always life-changing.

I have had the privilege of attending almost 300 births. Each one special and unique, every time leaving me in awe of how amazing women are.

As a VBAC mom, I am honored to walk this same path with so many women trying to achieve the same thing. Sometimes it is difficult for people to understand just how important this can be for us and how it is so much more than just how we give birth. For a VBAC, the preparation is different. More than just a birth plan or determining comfort measures, these women research providers, join support groups, take VBAC education classes, see chiropractors, do exercises to help with positions – you name it, they’ve done it. Without a doubt, they are a group of educated and prepared women.

I contemplated the title of this blogpost for weeks – The Failed Homebirth? The Plan? The Situation? A Doula’s Birth? WTF Just Happened? Sometimes no matter how hard you may try, things just don’t go as planned.

It has been so difficult to open up and talk about (or even grasp) what happened just nine weeks ago. I never know how to answer the question when people ask how the birth went. How much do I share? Should I tell the whole truth? Can I answer in a way that they won’t ask too many questions? Truthfully, I just want to answer in some way where I can avoid hearing, “Healthy mom, health baby, that’s all that matters in the end.”

Congratulations. A simple enough word expressing good wishes on a special occasion. Having a baby… CONGRATULATIONS! It comes so easily, right? You’re having your second baby… Congratulations.

You are expecting your third baby… your fourth baby… your fifth baby… Uh, um, yeah.

“I believe congratulations is the word you’re looking for.”